“And that time I used the cantaloupe?”Įven my husband was shocked at the cantaloupe revelation. “Oh, what about paper towel rolls?” my oldest added. “It didn’t feel that good, so I only did it once.” “Yeah, but it was on low, don’t worry,” he reassured me. I’d lost my deadpan expression the moment I picture my son losing his penis in a vacuuming accident. “OK, don’t laugh, but one time I put my penis in the vacuum hose,” my youngest said. Hey, who was I to judge? As a teen, I’d had an amorous moment or two with my favorite bottle of perfume, Love’s Baby Soft, which, if anyone remembers, was totally shaped like a dildo. As he spoke, my younger son nodded his head emphatically. Whatever is within reach, really,” he shared. Heck, I’ll use dirty laundry if it’s there. “Let’s see, there’s good old wadded-up toilet paper, towels, even shirts.
Like machine gun fire, my eldest son listed his favorite masturbation props. I was in for a surprise with their answers. Naturally, I first turned to my husband and sons to learn more. More: Labiaplasty, vodka tampons and more scary teen “trends your kids are sick of hearing about Learning about socks, and laughing my ass off watching the Bridesmaids scene where a mom describes cracking her son’s comforter, made me curious about what other means boys employ to get their (pun intended) socks off.
All it took was one time grabbing a sock that was hard as a rock and I was done. I swear I won’t even touch his laundry anymore. “Socks?” I had never heard of boys sexualizing slippers. “I don’t know about condoms,” my friend Tammy said, “but I found out my son Charlie was using socks.” Oh, well, OK,” was all I managed to say.Ī week later, while out for drinks with my girlfriends, who also had teen boys, I asked if that was normal. His hesitation should have been my first clue. More: This teenage girl just got fired for speaking up about inequalityĮven as my own sons grew, I didn’t understand just how resourceful boys could be, until I questioned my then-12-year-old about why he had a giant box of condoms in his bedroom. Like, so good I would make sure to climb that pole every morning and every lunch.” But one day when I climbed something weird happened. I will now go back to my fearless pursuit of the truth.“At first,” he explained, “I just climbed because I liked to see how fast I could get to the top. Still, there are worse ways to spend 30 minutes in quarantine. This week, Lush and his non-socially-distanced buddy totally Randy-and-Paula the shit out of the videos, with the theme of “dancing in your undies.” It takes about a half-hour to watch a bunch of twinkie young guys shake and grind in cravenly thirsty tease videos. I’m not gonna just be a cheerleader for the North Texan. The informant thought there might be a local angle.īut I gotta tell ya: I don’t roll that way. The reason why my confidential source suggested I look into it was because a local man named Sergio (lives in Denton) is in the mix. (It just launched about a week ago, it seems.) The deal is, Lush sets challenges for contestants to partake in by sending videos of themselves doing the task, then others vote on their favorite the lowest one gets eliminated. Lush is a kinda cute otter himself in the “yaaasss, kweeeennn!” mold, so I took a look. The link I got was to the YouTube page of an L.A.-based blogger named Matthew Lush who, apparently, is trolling for an online boyfriend.
Then I saw it took me to a video with dirty dancing twinks and I decided this could be my Pulitzer. So when I got an anonymous email from someone with murky motives offering a supposed lead, I was skeptical. Because I’m a hard-hitting investigative journalist in the time of COVID, I pursue all leads on my way to a good story.